3 A.M.

3 A.M.

The dog: Nudge nudge.

Me: Mpft? Nwraut.

Dog: I think a squirrel farted a block away. Can I go check it out?

Me: Pftnar whatthefucksleeping.


3:45 A.M.

Dog: Nudge nudge.

Me: Umpaf. Huh?

Dog: I think I heard a raccoon in North Bay. We should check it out!

Me: Shutupsleeping.


4:15 A.M.

Dog: Nudge nudge.

Me (wiping slober off my cheek): Ugh.

Dog: I think a polar ice cap fell into the Arctic ocean. Let's go see!

Me: Oh for fuck's sakes. Do you need to go out?

Dog: Squirrels! Raccoons! Ice caps!

Me: Fine.

(Walking in dark to open kitchen door in t-shirt and undies hoping no one sees me.)

Me: There.

Dog (sticking her head out the door): Sniff. Sniff sniff. It's raining. I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed.

Me: OBSCENITIES. LOUD FUCKING OBSCENITIES.