What I Do for Rum

It went from +10 yesterday to -19 today. Mother Nature is either going through menopause or she is really, really pissed off.

Anyhow, recently I helped my sister and her husband write a press release for a business, something I love, love, love doing. And in payment, my brother-in-law said he would make me a rum and diet Coke. Read: a rum and Diet Coke. One.

Here’s the backstory: When I lived with them years back (it was the BEST TIME OF THEIR LIVES!) whenever my brother-in-law went inside, got up to go to the bathroom, was in the bathroom, was caulking a window, making me dinner or doing other mundane things, I would ask him to make me a drink. A rum and Diet Coke. I mean, he was getting up anyways, wasn’t he? Why not just get me a drink?

He caught on more quickly then I thought he would, damn him. So the drinks stopped. But I kept asking.

So I was happy when he wrote me to say he would make me a drink for writing the release. WOO-HOO! He's back on the wagon!

But then I started thinking (which was my first mistake). I thought to myself “self, wait just a cotton-picking minute. Just one drink? JUST ONE? I don’t think so.”

So I quickly did some calculations and sent him the following email:


Subject: My awesomeness

Ah yes. Sometimes my awesomeness is a blessing and a curse…

So, I’ve done some calculations. When I was in agency, they billed me out at 110/hour. But, for you I’ll discount to 80. It took me 2 hours to write the release.

The average cost of a rum and Diet Coke where you live is $6.63 (I averaged the cost based on a few restaurants – between 5.75 and 7.50 each).

So, if I’m thinking of this correctly, this press release is worth:

$80.00 x 2 = $160.00 to write the press release.

$160.00 dollars can buy 24 rum and Diet Cokes. ($160.00 divided by $6.63)

TECHNICALLY you have to make me 24 Rum and Diet Cokes. I’ll take it down to 4.

WHAT A DEAL!

God, I’m so good at math. Unfortunately, so is he:

Interesting math...

Well, I too have done some calculations.

When you lived with us we charged you $350 per month. The going rate for a "Bed & Breakfast" is approximately $90 per night (if we adjust for inflation back to 1998) let's round down to $70 per night. That's $2100 per month.

You lived with us for somewhere between 3 and 4 years...we'll just use 3 years for simple calcuations. 36 months x $2100 = $75,600.

Less rent paid = 36 x $350 = $12,600

Difference = $63,000

We'll discount $30,000 for the pure "pleasure" of living with you.

We'll discount $5,000 for the times you were a dog sitter.

We'll settle "out of court" in the amount of $27,993.37 for psychological and physiological damages incurred for forcing you to eat brussel sprouts.

That leaves $6.63...so technically, you owe ME a drink.

Oh. Shit.

Oh. Oops. Hehehe. Uhm, is the offer of one still on the table?

And this, ladies and gentlemen, THIS is what family is all about:

Because you are you (and we're very sorry for that) I'll honor the original offer of one drink.

He’s a good boy.