Where We Storm a House and Force Minors to Dance

I was wearing SPANX today under a skirt, and my shoes squeaked. So people heard this as I came down the hall:


swish, swish*SQUEAK*swish*SQUEAK*swish,swish*SQUEAK*swish*SQUEAK*swish,swish....


You get the picture.


So where was I? Oh right. The second part of Part 1. When my friend S the housewife came to visit and we went out....riiiight.


Housewives are dangerous. I have many of them as friends and everytime I wake up after a night with them I have a headache. They're like Jack in the Boxes - you let them out and it's complete chaos. Every. Single. Time.


SO, S and I decide to have a 'cleansing' dinner at my place the night after the night before, where I had talked to some guy about SPANX and muffin top while S kept being surprised by people's names. She gets confused very easily, especially since she's had kids.


We had a very healthy dinner planned. But then I got home from work and was tired and was like "WTF? What the hell are we thinking? You cook for your family ALL. THE. TIME. And frankly, let's be honest...I can't cook. And I live in a crooked house. Let's get the hell outta here."

So, we decided to hop in a cab feeling all 'ooohhh, we're so sexy', still high from the night before with our friend Matt, when the cab guy calls us old. Not a good start to the evening. And frankly, not a good tip strategy.

BUT, not resigned to losing the night, we got dropped off at my friend Li-Li's place -- she, who is the mother of FOUR boys (FIVE if you count her husband). We walked in with a slight knock, and basically took over the house.

We yelled to her hubby to go to the corner store for Diet Coke and toothpaste (what? I was out, and for the record it was the MOST EXPENSIVE TOOTHPASTE I HAVE EVER HAD), and then forced him to strike up the bbq and make us dinner while we kidnapped his wife. Oh, and make dinner for the kids while he's at it. Li-Li was B-U-S-Y.

So, while we broke out the yearbooks and dragged Li-Li to the sofa, her husband ran around and got us drinks and food. Again and again. And took care of the kids. Until we forced them to do the moonwalk for us in the middle of the kitchen while listening to "Total Eclipse of the Heart."

Yeah, yeah. We were completely in rewind mode. And proud of it.

Our playlist was like this:

• Some sort of MJ medley (Michael Jackson, for those not-in-the-know)
• Total Eclipse of the Heart
• A lot of OK Go! Whom I love, love, love.
• Come on Eileen
• Ok, who am I kidding? I couldn't even remember my NAME by dinner, never mind the songs afterward!

Here's tip: don't let other people make your drinks, unless it's you brother-in-law who forced you to eat brussel sprouts for three years. Or the brother-in-law who makes martinis. Then you're ok. Other than that, you are SCREWED. It turns into a sport: 'Like, how drunk can I get her?'

What I do remember is trying to tell the cab driver who drove us home why my friend was such a light-weight when it came to drinking. Because that's what sober people do.

Whatever.