The Nut House

I love playing with my oldest niece's mind (she'll be three soon). I know this sounds weird, but teaching her how to say "your grandma is a nut" and have her say it in front of my ma makes me prouder than a peacock.

I taught her to say "you're a nut" a while back. It was fun; I'd say "you're a nut!" and she'd say "I'm a nut!" and we'd all laugh. One time, my brother, sister-in-law, my niece and I were at my ma's place for dinner. We started using my niece as a puppet, getting her to say all those things we really wanted to say to each other but never could.

Me: Alyssa, tell your gramma she's a nut.
Alyssa: Gramma's a nut (except it comes out as 'noooot').

My ma: Alyssa, tell your Auntie Redkap that she better watch out.
Alyssa: You's fjgbgj gkid OUT! (ok, close enough)

Me: Tell your dad he's a nut.
Alyssa: Dad's a NOOOOT! (now she's getting into this)

My brother: Tell Auntie Redkap She's a nut.

....you can see where this is going. Anyhow, at one point, my niece Alyssa and I end up telling each other we're nuts.

Me: You're a nut!
Her: No, you're a nut!

And so on. Until at one point I got up to let the dogs out, and she jumped (I'm not kidding) off her chair, came running over to me, deftly pointed her arm and finger at me and yelled:

--NO! YOU'RE A NOOOOT!

And I, trying to outwit a three-year-old, swiftly replied:

--No, YOU'RE a nut.

To which she wailed back at me (with tears):

--NOOOOOO! YOOOUUU'RRRREEE AAAA NNNOOOOOOTTTTT!!

And ran straight for her mother and cried and cried.

Oh, holy hell.

While everyone is trying to make her feel better, (Auntie Redkap's not nice; Don't tell people they are a nut, it's a bad thing to say; Auntie Redkap is MEAN!) I feel like crap. I just had a shouting match with a three-year-old, thinking she got my type of humour. (Obviously she is very sensitive!)

Or, maybe she's just three years old and can't compute it yet.

And people wonder why I don't have kids. I think this can be tagged as Exhibit A.

Anyhow, in an attempt to get her to laugh, I ask her to show me her belly. And, still whimpering on her mom's shoulder, she lifts up her shirt and I give her a gigantic zurburt on her belly.

She smiles. Crisis averted.

Fast forward to this morning. I babysat her last night, and was getting her all packed up to head out into the cold morning. I don't know what I was doing at the time, but at one point she turned around, looked at me and said:

--You're a NOOT!

Uh-oh, I thought. Based on the last time this happened, this has the potential to end very, very badly. After careful consideration, I replied by saying:

--Yes. Yes, I'm a BIG nut!

She looked at me and didn't say anything for a minute. Then she shrugged her little shoulders, looked up at me and said.

--Yeah. I'm a noot too!

And then I died and went to heaven.