Today was such an educational day -- I thought I'd share a few of the more intersting tidbits with you, so that you too may learn from my mistakes.
It all started easy enough early this morning. I was laying in bed, on one of my precious, few days off, when the phone rang.
"Hello RedKap, it's Mom."
Lesson Number One: Don't Answer the phone before 8:30 a.m.
Me: "Ma, it's like, 8 in the morning."
Her: "Well, you've got a lot to do today, don't you?"
Me: "Leave me alone. What do you want?"
Her: "Are you talking to me?"
Me: (OMG. Did I just say that last bit out loud?)
We got the plans for the day out of the way (and sidenote: couldn't this have waited until 9 a.m.?) I got up, got ready, grabbed Rox and headed out the door.
Lesson Number Two: Cold Weather Means Cold Cars
And yes, I know this sounds ridonculous, but we got a dump-full of snow last night. I had to scrape and warm up my car, which added about 10 minutes to my morning. Oh well, no big deal, right?
I start the car, and on comes a very strange light...hmmm...what is that...?
Lesson Number Three: Fill Up on Gas When It's Low - DO NOT Wait Until The Next Day
Alright, so I already know this, but I was tired and it was late and I thought that maybe - just MAYBE - I would get lucky. Turns out you never get lucky.
So I pull into the gas station and pop my gas cap. I said I pop my gas cap. I POP MY F*CKING GAS CAP.
Well shit. The gas cap is frozen shut. Fan-f*cking-tastic. I grab my keys and hack away at it until it finally pops open.
Excellent! Gas - Check! Another 15 minutes onto my morning. Now I'm late. For a manicure.
But! Before I can go anywhere else, I need to stop off at my mom's work to pick up her 'list'.
Lesson Number Four: Never, Ever Stop at Your Mother's Work
I walk in and my mom says "You look nice...why the change?"
Hmmm. OK. I warn her that statement is definitely going on my blog.
So, off I head to the spa for my manicure. The place I go is really very quaint, actually, and the woman is very nice. She talks a lot, asking you questions about what's going on.
Which brings me to....
Lesson Number Five: Do Not Tell Your Chatty Manicurist You Don't Have a Boyfriend
Next thing I knew she was trying to set me up with "a very nice man" she met last night at a dinner party for her husband's work. Young (yeah, yeah...), handsome (hmmm...) and loaded (DING DING DING!).
'Oh', I say. 'Really? What's his name?'
Turns out he was this guy I had a mild makeout session with in like, grade 10 and never, ever saw again...unless you count that time not long ago when my friend was trying to convince me to go on Plenty Of Fish (the dating web site) and oops! There he was!
I didn't sign up.
And when I said I needed to think about it before she 'set us up', she told me not to wait too long...I wasn't getting any younger.
Uhm, ok. Thanks...I think. (I hope she wasn't expecting a tip...)
Whew! The worst of it is over, right? I head home to quickly drop some stuff off and head to WalMart to meet my sister-in-law and brother to pick up my nieces for a night of baby-sitting.
Lesson Number Six: Always Go to the Bathroom BEFORE You Go to WalMart
Oh man. Now I need to go to the bathroom! In defense to WalMart, the bathrooms were better than average. But still. I don't like sitting where millions of people have gone before. I'd rather go int he bush.
And besides, the night before Halloween in WalMart is like Night of the Living Dead. There are tons of men, women and children running around with zombie-like faces, all hellbent on getting either the last of the Halloween specials or that super-duper plastic costume for only $29.95.
I grab the kids and head back to my ma's as planned. We were all going to have dinner together. While we're waiting for my mom to get off work, the littlest kid -- Avery -- needs to be fed. So, I diligently whip out a bottle and put her on my lap...and notice her butt is alllll wet.
Well, I think - I may as well feed her, burp her and THEN change her. That way she'll as least be clean.
Lesson Number Seven: Never Assume to Know a Baby's Digestive System
After she's been fed, burbped and changed, I happen to pick her up juuust when she decides to let all hell break loose...all over her, me, and the floor. I mean, the stuff came LEAPING out of this kid. And it didn't even phase her. Not one bit. She just laughed at me while I slipped in baby puke and tried to catch the last of it dribbling down my shirt.
Excellent.
But, it was all worth it 'cause I got to spend time with the nuts that are my nieces. And Alyssa now can say "Gramma's a nut'.
Totally. Worth it.
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