They Lied

Whoever said that bad things come in 3's is full of whatever Roxy rolled in this afternoon. It sometimes comes in 4's and 5's. Jerks.

I woke up inthe middle of the night last night with excrutiating stomach cramps. Not to go into a lot of details, but I think at one point I cursed Mother Nature and promised that if I ever met her I would CUT HER.

I took a total of 6 extra strength ibuprofen over a matter of 2.5 hours, and finally fell into a wonderful ibruprofen-laden sleep around 4 a.m., holding a self-made ice pack of ice cubes in a baggy on my stomach.

Woke up feeling very groggy at about 7, took Rox out for a quick walk then promptly hopped back into bed for an extra hours' sleep. The 'hopping' is important, because remember that little self-made ice pack? Well, it melted. And when I hopped, I hopped right on top of it.

Splat. Now I have a wet bed. On a Sunday at 7:45 a.m. Excellent.

I went on to have a somewhat productive day, doing laundry and making gazpacho and Quinoa salad. About 3 p.m., I decided to head to the LCBO, grocery store, and pay a visit to my ma. Big. Mistake.

Big.

So, at the LCBO, I'm standing in line behind a man...nice looking man. Let me point out here that I looked like crap. I had no makeup on, which normally wouldn't bother me except I hadn't slept and had HUGE bags under my eyes. My hair had the consistency of not being washed for a day, and kept falling out of the clip I had thrown in.

So anyhow, I whip out my wallet in preparation for my turn, and the nice-looking man turns, looks at me and says:

"You dropped something."

I look in the direction he's indicated, and lo and behold, there it is.

The tampon I had put in my purse.

I dropped a tampon.

It really doesn't matter how beautifully wrapped they are in yellow or pink or blue cellophane-type stuff. It still. Looks. Like. A. Tampon.

Oh God.

After picking myself off the floor, I picked up some groceries (4 items, to be exact), and went to my mother's. She was sleeping when I got there so decided to take her dog and my dog for a walk. You know, shake things off. I let Rox and Maisy off the leash and 10.7 seconds later I see it. Roxy is rolling. In shit. She glistened with the stuff.

Oh God.

I bring both mutts back to my mom's - who was still sleeping - grabbed her shampoo and the hose and started to hose this crap-faced dog down. And just as the water hits her, she starts shaking her body.

Great. So now I not only look like shit, I smell like it too. Excellent.

I shampooed her, dried her off, stuck Maisy back into the house, and decided to just go home. Back to my little crooked house where hopefully nothing else would go wrong.

I opened the door to the car to let Roxy jump in, and jump in she did. Right on top of the bananas I just bought.

Oh God.

So now I have smushed bananas in the backseat of my car. Excellent!

I give up.