So, How Are You?

So let’s run it down, shall we?

It’s been hot here. Bloody hot. With no rain. Suddenly I feel like singing Blind Melon. But I won’t. STAY FOCUSED!

Where was I? Right. Forest fires. Stay with me…it’s quite a jump, I know.

So a few weeks ago I’m driving back into the city after attending a day-long conference somewhere where there is NO CELL SERVICE! Yes, I am that up north. I hear my phone start bee-bopping that all the messages I’ve missed are starting to come through as I near the city. Including this lovely message from my mother:

“Oh hi Redkap. I just wanted to let you know there is a forest fire behind my house. We may be getting evacuated. Do you know anything about this? Call me on my cell…the power’s out.”

Uhm – WHAT THE?!?

So I call my mother back – illegal, I know, but necessary. She says:

“Oh, well it was bad, real bad for a while. Power’s still out but the wind has shifted a bit and now it’s heading east.”

Warning…here’s a tangent: I’m directionally challenged. So ‘heading east’ means nothing to me, other than my mother’s house is no longer in danger of burning up. But my mother is not directionally challenged. So she adds this tidbit:

“Wait – that means it’s headed to your house.”

Uhm – WHAT THE?!?

Thank God for firemen. Big, strong firemen who use big hoses to put out my fire!

HOSE ME DOWN BOYS! HOSE ME DOWN! Oh..wait. Sorry…that was another tangent.

Fast forward to two nights ago, when a bear tried to commit suicide on my car. I was driving from my mother’s not-burned-down-place place to my not-burned-down-place when this bear came running out of the bush and STRAIGHT. AT. MY. ALMOST BRAND-NEW CAR!

I was like….WTF?

I swerved to the left! He stopped. I stopped. He looked at me and ran back in the bush. Did I really look that bad? I think I may have crapped my pants at that point. If not then, then it was sometime shortly thereafter.

I called my mom and told her to get her dog inside because there was a suicidal bear on the loose! Illegal, I know, but necessary.

Just as I was hanging up the phone, out comes the bear again! I honked my horn and waved down a car coming towards me to warn them. It just so happened to be a little truck on great big wheels. I started thinking maybe I was living in some sort of Twilight Zone.

The bear went back in the woods! Then back out! Oh my goodness! This bear is more screwed up than I am!

Poor wee thing. Except it was SO not wee. It was like, 300 pounds.

Anyhow, he eventually thought about his choice of leaping in front of my car and went back into the woods. I went home and changed my pants.

Roxy slept through the whole thing.

I’ve gone from city-living and front-row Bruce Springsteen concert tickets to saving my crooked house from forest fires and avoiding suicidal wildlife.

So, yeah. I guess I’m ok. Ask me again tomorrow.