The Art of the Fart

Let me start off by saying I know, I know.  I suck at having a blog.I have the best of intentions, but like most of my good intentions, they fly out the window like pee in the wind. Or maybe smoke in the wind.

Second, can I just tell you that I have not met a dog fart that hasn't made my eyes sting like cutting 35,000 onions. Don't believe me? Start by cutting 35,000 onions. After you recover, come to my crooked trailer and try to survive my Roxy's farts. I'm so serious I'll put my hand on the Bible. Or the Koran. Or any other religious book you have.

And it's just not Roxy, oh no. My sister and peskiest brother-in-law's dog Kelso? Wow.  My other sister and pesky brother-in-law's dogs? Wowza. My ma's dog, Kobo? Well, he stinks, but he's also afraid of them. So he'll fart, look at his butt, and try to run away from it. He does the same thing when he's lying on my lap and I fart. He'll look down and run away.

Which brings me to people farting. Seriously, doesn't farting feel oh, so good? Like, there's a balloon inside you and it just goes bllllrrppppp. But as I grow older, I've noticed there is an art to it. For example:

- If you have to fart in a meeting, there is a way to squeeze your butt cheeks until there is a more appropriate time available to let the bomb go.

- BUT, if you are a professional farter, you can tell what kind of fart it is. So, there is a chance to lean slightly to the side and let it go, silently....and pray to God that at the end of the silent fart there isn't one of those high-pitched "PFTs".

- The gun-shot farts are ridiculous, not only because it's like "bat-bat...bat-bat-bat-bat-bat..bat", but mostly because you know you'll have those farts for the rest of the night. Hardly relieving. And mostly don't stink.

- The ones that sting when they come out. OMG, those are THE WORST. Not only because they stink, but because you've likely left a skid mark on your undies.

- And then, there are the ones that made you go "ahhhh". These ones normally require the lifting of your butt off of a surface: leaning over on the couch, lifting your butt off of the mattress, etc. These are the Mercedes of farts, because they feel so amazing, and remind you of a good bowel movement. And they are loud. And loud means AMAZING. You want to shout from the tree tops: I JUST HAD THE BEST FART!!!

Now, this list is not a full list, of course. And the caveat is that when you have surgery (e.g., getting your lady bits out), farting is like sticking a knife in your stomach. It is the WORST THING EVER. Gas means death. But, that surgery is totally worth it because Aunt Flow never, ever comes again.

HYSTERECTOMIES FOR EVERYONE!!!