Ok, I am a Christmas fanatic. FANATIC. White Christmas? I could watch it all day. It's a Wonderful Life? Holy Sh*t YES! A thousand times YES! Miracle on 34th Street? YES YES! Both versions.
Love Actually? I'd sleep with both the Prime Minister and that other guy 14 times each. The Sound of Music? YESSSS! My mother hates that movie, and I don't know why. She says she had to watch it a thousand times when she was younger and that's why she hates it. But seriously? Who could hate that movie? A nun, a captain, some kids, some singing, some other ....stuff? Awesome.
BUT, then, I stumbled upon this - The Muppets Movie. On TV. And I was thrown back to my childhood, when Steve Martin spit out the wine when Miss Piggy and Kermit ordered the .99 cent wine; when Fozzy and Kermit hit the road; when Kermit sang his most amazing song. Ralph the Dog is amazing. And of course, the best song EVER about rainbows.You guys need to remind yourself about your childhood right now. Right now.
OK, our Christmas. That is, me and all of the voices in my head.
My brother got deployed, so my sweet sister-in-law (SIL) came to town with my sweet nieces. I was SO lucky to see them all often, and then they stayed with me Christmas night.
BUT, before I get to that, we need to enter Christmas day. Did I mention I kept their 100-pound, 7-month old "puppy" Juno? Oh yes. And he was HUGE (not in THAT way, you pervs...he was very large in stature).
So, Christmas Day. Ma slept over Christmas Eve, and that was fun. The next morning we opened our stockings, laughed, cried over some things, then got to work. I took Juno for a w-a-l-k (I can't say it out loud with Rox around...oh wait! I'm typing!), and then we got working on the potatoes, the carrots, the mustard sauce, the turkey and the mustard sauce for the carrots. Oh wait! This was after ma made me a SPECTACULAR breakfast.
So, here we are, cooking away, setting the table, making hors d'hoeurvies talking about "how wonderfully relaxed this Christmas was!", I happened to look at the stove for the time, excellent, no lights, off I go.
Then it hit me.
There are no lights on the stove.
There are NO LIGHTS on the stove.
THERE ARE NO F*CKING LIGHTS ON THE STOVE!!!!!
Holy SH*T!
So, I yell: There are no lights on the stove!
Ma turns around, and opens the oven.
Me, panicking: DON'T OPEN THE OVEN!!!! THE HEAT WILL ESCAPE!!!! (See? I know some stuff about cooking!)
Ma: Ok, ok. Uhm...
Me: THE STOVE IS BROKEN! (thinking in my head: Holy sh*t, we're gonna have to bring all those presents and all the food to my ma's...how the hell...)
Ma: Ok, check the fuses on the stove.
Me: OK! (Don't know where the hell they are, but guess.) It's not coming off. IT'S NOT COMING OFF!!!!
Ma: Do you even have fuses?
Me: (in my head: of COURSE not! I mean, Historically, I've needed my sisters and respective pesky-brother-in-laws to come up and hang pictures! I mean, I can't even do that!) Out loud: Uhm...no.
Ma: Really?
Me: Well...
Ma: Well, check the breakers. It may be the problem.
So, I run to the breakers, find it flipped, flip it back and voila! Oven working!
Sigh.
So, lesson learned - don't have oven and four burners going in the crooked trailer at the same time.
Afterward, Juno, the 100-pound dog, took down the Christmas tree. Bye bye tree!
Then my SIL arrived with the kids, and chaos ensued. Wrapping paper EVERYWHERE! After the carnage of presents and food, when my ma left and we got the girls to sleep, my SIL and I decided to have one drink before bed. We were so tired.
Fast forward to 2:30 in the morning. We were watching movies and totally making fun of the actress, who happened to star in both. Not mentioning names, but she heaves her chest heavily and has chipmunk teeth.
So, a little tipsy (ok, a lot tipsy) we (she) moved one kid into my bed, which happened to be the 7-year old (we each decided to sleep with one kid). My SIL slept with the 5-year old in the spare room, which was perfect, because that kid climbs ladders all night.
Unfortunately, she didn't realize how tipsy she was; she accidentally bumped the 7-year old into the door frame before - literally - dropping her into my bed. Sadly, she dropped her on my side of the bed, so I had to log roll her over to the other side before falling into bed and falling asleep immediately.
8 in the morning, I wake up to a 7-year old staring at me.
Her: You snore.
Me: Oh no! Did I keep you up?
Her: Only since I've been awake...
Excellent. Then the 5-year old comes out of the spare room.
Me: Is your mom awake?
Her, snuggling into the bed with us: No, she's asleep with a pillow over her head.
It was the PERFECT Christmas!
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