B4

Today I'm going to talk about B4. No, not  the vitamin - although B4 is technically not a vitamin, it's considered a nutrient (look at you! learning something on my blog!). I'm referring to every part of my body that I recently waxed: brows, bikini, belly and boobs. Although, if you count the few random hairs she took off my back, really that's B5 and OH MY GOD SHE'S TALKING ABOUT WAXING HER BELLY AND BOOBS ON THE INTERNET!!

Listen, you think all those posts I wrote about the amount of hair all over my body were exaggerated? No sirreee Bob, or Dan, or whatever your name is. I have a lot of hair, everywhere. And really, who has time to pluck all that? And if I didn't get rid of it, people would mistake me for Big Foot, but a shorter version with smaller feet.

It's not like I enjoy it, for goodness sake. I'm not a sadist. Ripping hair off my skin with hot wax makes my mouth release a relentless stream of amazing curses, so if people are having a facial while I'm getting this done believe me, they are not relaxed.

I happened to mention to my waxing lady the other day how embarrassing it is to have her look at all of these various parts of my body. She told me it was nothing, that she has to do Brazilian bikini waxes on 60 year olds. And then, to make sure I understood, she looked at me, raised her hands and said "THAT'S A SIXTY YEAR OLD VAGINA!"

And then - THEN! - she told me the best bit: that she has a number of men who come in to get their areas completely waxed. I mean balls, shaft, everything! OH MY GOD SHE USED THE WORD SHAFT ON THE INTERNET! Yes, I did. And that some of those men get...uhm...well, you know, because she's got to hold the SHAFT in different positions while she waxes (I'm going to use all caps for that word from now on because it's so funny.)

And this is why I'm glad I'm not a man because let me tell you, there is NO satisfaction for me while I'm getting waxed until it's over and I'm dressed and paying.