Modest (NOT)

I've never, ever had to talk so much about my flatulence, pee and bloating as I have to since the surgery. It's amazing how quickly you become accustomed to talking about your bodily functions to perfect strangers once you know they've seen...you know...your hoo-hoo.

Nurse:  Hi there! Lift your gown. I need to check your stitches.

Me: Ok.

Nurse: Ooooh! He did a good stitch job! I'm going to take out your catheter. Spread your legs.

Me: Ok.

Later...

Nurse: Did you pee?

Me: Yep.

Nurse: Did you pee in the measuring thing? How much?

Me: 600 something?

Nurse: Oh good. Are you farting?

Me: Uhhh...yep. Sometimes.

Nurse: Ok, but don't push them out or you'll rip your stiches. Here's a stool softner.

Me: Thanks.

Nurse: You don't wanna be pushing that out either.

And so on and so on. Three, four, five times a day I had that conversation. With four different nurses. One in the morning, one at night. And then new nurses came in. And can I just tell you that my nurses were f*cking amazing? Holy shitballs, but those guys work hard.

Turns out I didn't have to have the SALPINGO OOPHORECTOMY! I had a large-ish fibroid tumour removed that was growing between my ovary and my uterus. No worries and all is well. Fun times! All my lady bits are intact.

Anyhow, I was on a liquid diet for two days and had to fast before that. You can imagine how hungry I was. So when I was finally able to eat to eat 'real' food, I was super-stoked. Finally, a REAL breakfast!

Oh wow! A cover and everything, just like one of those very fancy restaurants!

My mouth was watering. What could it be? Pancakes? Eggs and bacon? No, no wait - eggs, sausage and fruit. A healthy balance, right?

I almost crapped my pants with anticipation...and at that point, that was saying something. I slowly opened the top and....

One piece of dry toast. One single, solitary piece of dry f*cking toast.

Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me right now? Because this isn't funny. I just had my insides ripped open and a thingy torn out of my body and you're feeding me one piece of toast? Have you not seen my bootilicious body? I do NOT keep this figure by eating in moderation, people!

I quickly learned I had to 'graduate' to better foods. Keep it down, crap it out, and you get more. Excellent! Gimme more stool softners, for crying out loud!

Don't get me wrong. It was real nice being able to press a button for more water. A shower. Pain pills. Another pillow. A blanky. A teddy bear. Er, I mean....

So now, my sister and my not-so-pesky brother-in-law are here taking over where the nurses left off. Snap, snap! Water please. Snap snap! I'm hungry. Snap snap! Carry me to the bathroom. Er, I mean... 

Needless to say I owe them big time.

Still sore, but making progress. What I need to do is sit the f*ck down. I haven't been. I've been like "oh no! I can totally do this!" God, I'm a dumbass. So, I'm putting this down for everyone to read: My sister and my not-so-pesky brother-in-law were right. I was wrong. I need to sit. Ok? Are you happy?

Now go get me a drink.