Oh, hi!

Remember me? I'm very busy and important, you know. No, really, I am. Stop laughing.

So, I recently took a few trips to the sunny south; an escape from the snow. Ladies and gentlemen, I am talking about the big city of....Toronto.

Now, I'll spare you the details of my ENTIRE trip, but needless to say I ate enough to make a hippo horny. Wait - do hippos get horny? I assume so, but you never know.

Anyhow, here are some highlights:

• The hotel where I was staying was having Bachelor Canada auditions. No, I'm not kidding. So there were piles of tall, thin girls with big boobs, even bigger hair, and the shiniest, tiniest dresses on I have ever seen. And the shoes...THE SHOES! Well, they were so high I could climb them and get a better view than the CN Tower. Let's just say I stared. A lot. but I managed to talk myself out of getting arrested....twice.
• It was above zero (or hovering just around it) the whole time I was there and NO snow, so I walked around in a little vest and got stared at by Toronto people in big, puffy jackets, hats, mitts and scarves wrapped around so tight I thought it was going to cut off circulation. GET A GRIP, PEOPLE! I just came from -22 degree weather and 10 ft snowbanks!
• I ate Ethiopian, Thai, Japanese, Korean and Indian. I also drank good beer, good wine, excellent rum and a fabulous martini. The last time I tried to drink a martini in Toronto I was sitting on a patio and a bird shit in it. No, I'm not kidding. And then I got charged for it. NO TIP FOR YOU!
• I found out that my good friend in Toronto sleeps holding a silk scarf. If you knew her her, this wouldn't surprise you. Her husband wishes she would sleep holding onto his penis; he's still waiting.
• My hotel had a guy who opened doors for me. All day, everyday. He also told me to have a nice day/night/walk/whatever. I tried to steal him, and would have gotten away with it if the duct tape hadn't fallen off his mouth and he hadn't started screaming.

That, in a nutshell, is what happened. Oh, and I worked.....sorry, I forgot about that part. I also had to take the subway, and it was there, while my nose was firmly pressed into someone's armpit, that I remembered why I moved north.