What to Say

I'm so thankful for my family. You know, a lot of people have cranky families.  I am unusually unsure of the possessive on that last sentence and I could care less, because I have the best family. And my mother is dead.

My mother is dead.

I still can't get over this. I really believed that she would live longer, way longer. And you may laugh. But I really did not believe this was going to happen. Not even when they wheeled us into 'comfort care', which in my mind was NOT paltliative. It was just...comfort.

And then, she died.

And now I don't have her. I don't have her for NCIS. I don't have her to argue with. I'm a bit at a loss to be honest. People keep asking me how I am, and I just don't know how to answer. I know, I know.  She's at peace. I know.

I'm numb. I don't know how I am. That's the truth. This is still unbelievable.

I feel like digging my head under the covers every morning. I feel like packing up everything, including Kobo, and just driving for months.  I feel like shoving this computer out of a window because it keeps autocorrecting.

I want to run away for a bit.  Live somewhere, alone, in a cabin where I can process this. I really thought she'd live longer. I want to be alone, in a cabin (with a bathroom, by the way),  with Kobo and a journal. And hopefully a beach where I can swim. Swimming is...I can't even tell you.  The water is a place of peace for me.

But my mommy is still dead. And I just...I can't.