Life

So, loads is happening lately, mostly to do with my mom. She's been in hospital for 5 weeks.  Today, she grabbed me by my shirt while the nurse was adjusting her painful, raw-like legs, which are due to her heart not pumping properly and causing fluid to literally seep out of her legs, sometimes leaving puddles (yes, this is a run-on sentence), and anyhow, she wrapped her hands around my shirt, pulled me close to her face and whispered:

"Just kill me."

We're ok. My brother is here and has taken over a ton of the hospital visits. Today I actually had a nap and did laundry. 5 loads of laundry that have been woefully neglected for the past week and a bit. I did another load of laundry for my Momma's clothes. Her legs have been leaking so much that everything soaks through fairly quickly and needs to be washed.

5 weeks ago my mom was walking around the house - albeit not that fast - but walking and going to the bathroom by herself. She hadn't been eating and had trouble doing laundry, but could sit on the couch and have a conversation while folding the clean laundry I gave her. Now she needs help to even stand up. Today she is having a bit of an episode and thought she was at the grocery store buying a ticket and taking my brother to a game.

I think I may be in denial here. I've cried out of frustration. I've cried in anger. Today I cried a bit when she told me to just kill her. But, I know the tears are coming. Hell, they're starting to pool a bit just writing this.

My mother deserves better than what is happening. She's been through enough in her life. I'm finding it hard to reconcile why this, after everything, is happening to her. Just let her go, in peace.

Or, alternatively, give her what she asked for in the first place: a chance to live alert in an expensive retirement home that has male strippers.