I'm Sick

I like to smell my dog's feet.  And lately I've taken to sniffing her feet more often and loving her up more. I think it's because she is getting SO OLD. My sweet girl, who used to run 10 km with me in the mornings when I used to run 10 km in the mornings, is now, well, old. Her hind end shakes until she falls over when walking. Her front right paw is shaking too.

I'm so sad when I see her struggle; sometimes her hind end falls over when she walks. She's my baby girl. She's MY BABY. She's listened. She's dealt with my ignorance. She's loved me through everything. And even now when I take my ma's dog, Kobo, for a walk, when I get back to the house she's waiting, tail-a-wagging. I can't take her for a walk anymore because she can't walk.  So, I take Kobo and she waits for me, patiently, to come back with Kobo. And when I see her I say:

"There you are my sweet girl!"

And she wags her tail as she normally does because she's the happiest dog I've ever met. Like, "Oh! There you are momma! I've been waiting for you! You've been gone 5 minutes!"

She was found with a man's belt around her neck. I got her when she was four. She had had puppies.

My sweet Roxy, who is just a joy in my life.  She is such a part of me, even though she BARKS ALL THE F*CKING TIME.  I really can't explain what she means to me.

So to see her not be able to walk, to see her hind end fall down, to hear her whimper in pain....it makes me sick. I'm not sure how to deal. I've had dogs growing up pass away - most of them by cars, snowplows, etc. and I was very young -- but only one we had to put down.  My sweet girl Bessie. And she was THE best dog. I still miss that hairy beast. She was amazing. And the only one my dad cried over.

Roxy will affect me very badly when she decides to go. She is my first dog on my own. She is a nut. She loves me so much. I love her so much. She farts in my face. She lies across me. She cocks her head when I talk to her. She sleeps on her back and kicks me in the head when I sleep.

I love this dog. and suddenly I'm seeing the end. I already miss her, So I'm taking advantage of all the time I have left.  I love this dog. Even if her barking drives me crazy.