DEEP-Ression

Nose hairs. They are growing like weeds out of my nostrils. Seriously - I already have hair on my back, down my front...now my nose? I turned 40 and suddenly I'm a Chia-Pet.

My sister from Peterborough was up recently, and we got to talking about depression. I realized I haven't talked or even referred to it here for a while, likely because I suck at keeping regular blog. But it's my blog and I'll ignore it if I want to. But not today.

Now,  just because I haven't referenced it, doesn't mean the depression magically disappeared. It's still here, every day, somewhere in my gut, waiting. Waiting to plant roots, waiting to be fed. I have to wake up and acknowledge it everyday and wonder what it will decide to do today.

I call it "Feeding the Beast". It is so easy to do. In fact, it's much harder NOT to feed it; to let yourself believe that you are nothing, that there is no hope, that people judge you, that you are fat, ugly and unworthy of love. It engulfs you. It makes you believe you are helpless. It lies and makes you believe your negative thoughts are the truth. You start to consider things that, until then, seemed unimaginable.

It tells you the ultimate lie: that suicide is not selfish, it is the ultimate act of love, because your family will be better off without you.

I'll tell you, it's a struggle. Every. Day. I don't think people are ever 'free' of depression, but they are able to manage it.  I'm lucky, because I had an amazing therapist who took me through  CBT - Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, a therapy that is pretty intense and hard - and taught me tools to lean on. That isn't to say that there still aren't days where I spend a lot of time in bed, or am late for work because the struggle that day is especially hard. But, I find those tools help me manage - not control, but manage - the beast. And the more I apply the tools, the more quickly I am able to reach a place where I'm ok to move on.

Now, this took some time, times that took several years and included massive meltdowns and therapy. I'm also lucky because I have an incredible support group, a group that is unfortunately now missing a key member. But, I can say I feel better. Good, even. And looking back, I don't think I would be the person I am and have the outlook I do without the knowledge that the beast exists and the downside it can bring. So, I'm enjoying the days when it sleeps even more.

Ok, back to my nose hairs. I *think* I may need to buy me an electric nose clipper. Do women use these? Good grief!