Recuperating

This surgery has confirmed that I am full of it. Gas, that is. I am full of gas. And every time I try to pass it, it's like that scene in Aliens.  You know, that scene where the little baby alien jumps out of the guy's stomach? Yeah, like that. But with less blood.


Still quite sore, but healing every day. I'm afraid that if I hit a bump too hard or, like, push too hard or something that my insides will fall out. Like, I'll be walking and suddenly my kidney will fall out, and then I'll have to try and pop it back in without anyone noticing.


The doctor said the surgery was a little more difficult than he was expecting. The last time I had surgery, he said he really had to 'dig around in there', which, I mean really? Please don't give that visual of both your hands digging around inside my gut. THIS time, he said he had to do a dissection of endometriosis from my bladder...which, again: both his hands not only digging around in my belly, but shoving things out of the way, yanking out an organ and 'scraping' the bottom of my bladder. And then the lunch lady showed up with Salisbury steak for lunch. Mmmm!


My brother and his family were here while I was in the hospital, so my brother brought my nieces to visit me a few times. They brought me 3 balloons, then left with 2 of them. Every time they visited, we ended up in the Visitor's Lounge watching the big screen TV while the kids ate popsicles and ice cream out of the fridge. Now they want to spend their next vacation at the hospital.


Speaking of hospitals - nurses are fantastic. They give you good drugs. Yay nurses! You know what else is fantastic? Catheters. I really, really think that someone should be marketing them to bars. Patrons would go berserk - no more worries about 'breaking the seal'.


And then when I came home from the hospital, all my family came to cook and clean and do my laundry and mow my lawn for me while I lay around moaning about gas and cramps. I think I'll have surgery every year! What fun!


Except that I am having trouble when I eat, because OH MY GOD THE CRAMPS. And then the gas. And then the pain associated with the cramping and the gas. And then I fall down and go bye-bye. Have I mentioned the gas and cramps?


Here are things that are a no-no because I don't want to spend the next 4 weeks in the fetal position moaning:


Rum and Diet Coke (I..I just...I can't even talk about this...)
Garlic
Pea Soup
Beans
Beer
Straws
Fiber One bars
Spicy sauces
Certain spices
Bean soup (See: Beans. No no no no no.)
Lamb on a stick (see: Certain spices)
Oatmeal
Some nuts


Ok, I'm tired. I've been up for 4 hours now...almost a record!