I'm Remembering

So, am gonna have a bad night tonight. Have been trying to lessen drinking to lose a little weight before surgery, but tonight, it is so not happening. Am hunkering down, sitting on couch, drinking and remembering Her. Laughs, laughs, laughs. Head banging to James Taylor while driving to Thunder Bay. Dancing to Carole King. Drinking and trying to decode Rufus Wainwright. The text I got that says "...and I am missing you".  References to Winnie the Pooh, Bucky Kat and Satchel.

Her telling me I am not chopping vegetables evenly enough. And to do it again.

Her obsession with crows. And crow babies.

Her yelling to my pesky-brother-in-law while I'm on the phone with her: My Love, can I please have a martini? Please? Thank you, sweetie.

Her telling me about what she heard on CBC and why the government isn't reacting appropriately. Sometimes with emailed charts.

Her voice. Her voice that said "Hi, it's just me...". It was never "just" her. It was Her.


And little things, like her laugh and the way she would try to cover her mouth. And her 'purse', which was non-existent - it was a bunch of cards kept together by a rubber band. And her always telling me that I was a-ok, when it turns out she was not. And I'll never forgive myself for not knowing. For not sensing it.


I will miss her every day for the rest of my life. She is a huge part of me, someone who knew not some, but ALL of my secrets. I still think to call to tell her about something. And then I remember.


 But, thankfully, I have those memories. From memories of us doing a dance to the Go-Go's when we were little to her sneaking into my bedroom to smoke when we were both home from university. She was my light. And it keeps shining, through my memories.


I am so lucky to have my family. I love them so much.