It was one of my sister’s
birthday’s recently, so my ma went out and bought a card. We sent some gift
certificates in the card, so while ma was writing her birthday message inside
along the top, I was starting to write “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL YOUR BIRTHDAY” on the
back of the envelope. I got to “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL…” when my ma stopped
me.
Ma: Don’t put that on the
envelope!
Me: Why?
Ma: Because then they’ll
know there is something inside, and they’ll open it and steal it.
Me: Yes, because mail
delivery is a grand conspiracy.
I ended up writing “DON’T
OPEN UNTIL YOU KNOW”, which makes absolutely no sense at all, but I had to think
of something.
I put my birthday message
along the bottom of the card, and went to stick it in the envelope, which my ma
had very carefully addressed and stamped when…
It didn’t fit. Ma got the
wrong envelope.
So, we did the only
logical thing we could think of. What? No, no…we didn’t go out to get a new
envelope! It was Sunday, and ma HAD TO get it in the mail FIRST THING in the
morning so it would get there IN TIME!
What she did was she cut
the card. First along the top. Then when that didn’t work, along the
bottom.
Then when that still
didn’t work, along the top again.
….and along the bottom
again…
…until that f*cker finally
fit. Half of our birthday messages had been chopped at that point. So the card
made no sense. But by God, ma was gonna mail it tomorrow!
I think my sister may have
noticed.
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