The Mean Gnome

I left work a little early today. I was having a day (read: this day should be erased from the history books), my neck was sore, my hip was killing me, and I was generally miserable. Exceptionally miserable. Horrendously miserable.

Did I mention I was miserable?

I know, I know. I sound like a baby. But this is my website. So there.

(Here's a tangent that provides the perfect example of the type of day I'm having: I just got up from the computer to go and check on some quinoa I'm making for dinner. I'm wearing this sort-of-flowy sweater, the arm of which just caught on the pot handle and dumped the whole f*cking pot of hot quinoa all over my crooked kitchen floor. Wouldn't killing me be easier?)

Anyhow, back to earlier today. All I wanted was a nap. A nap would make my entire world better. It would make the sun shine and the birds sing. And I was certain that when I woke up, some prince would show up and slip some sort of glass slipper on my big, wide, flat foot.

So I kicked off early. I didn't feel that bad since I travelled for work earlier in the week, so I figured I could use thet time I bagged. I hit the grocery store, picked up Roxy -- who was keeping my mom's dog Maisy company while my mom was at work -- and headed home. I had it all planned: I would take a nap, then head out for a walk with Rox when I woke up.

Ahhh. My day got better just thinking about it.  The pillows. The sheets. A dark room. I'm pretty sure I groaned loudly in pleasure at one point in the grocery store thinking about my nap. I may have scared an old woman in the process.

I let both dogs out for a bit when I went to pick up Roxy so they could do their business. I wanted to make sure that when my head hit the pillow, I wouldn't have to get up to let Roxy out.

So, I get home, put away the groceries that needed to be put away immediately, slid into my bedroom and fell into bed. I snuggled in to the soft blankets, curved myself into my favourite sleeping position, felt the soft pillows and let out a contented sigh. Finally. Bed.

Until....

"HEHH HEHH HEHH HEHH..."

Have you ever had a dog pant IN YOUR FACE?

"HEHH HEHH HEHH HEEEHHHH HEEEHHHHH HEEHH HEEHH..."

I opened my eyes and there she was. Sitting beside my head, panting in my face.

Now, normally when she pants it means she's uncomfy (like, in pain) or she has to go to the bathroom. Anxious to get back to my sleep, I decided to let her out for a few minutes so she could do her business.

Out she goes. And while she's at it, I hit the bathroom too.

Just when my pants are around my ankles, I hear her start barking. Not a "Hey! How are you?" type of bark. This was a "HEY! HEY YOU!  I SEE YOU! I AM VERY EXCITED! AND I AM BARKING LIKE A MANIAC TO SHOW IT! I DO NOT BITE! BUT LISTEN TO MY VOICE! I HAVE A VOICE! HEY! HEY YOU! I AM EXCITED!"

Up I get, pull up my pants and head to the door. I fling it open, jump outside and say "Get. In. Here. NOW."

Ears down, tail between her legs, she slinks up the stairs.

OK, back to bed! I want my nap.

Back into bed I get. Comfy, cozy. Sleepy.

"HEHH HEHHH HEEHH HEEHHH (licking her lips) HEHHH HEEHHH HEEHHH (smacking her gums)"

I sit up, look at her, lift my hand and say "Go. Away."

She does.

Ahhh. Back to my nap.

Except I can still hear her. She's sitting just outside my door, staring at me, panting.

I try to ignore her. I try to think of pretty pink thoughts, of clouds, of sleepy things so I can get my freaking nap. The nap I left work for. The nap I've been thinking about since I woke up this morning.

"HEHH HEEHH HEEHHH..."

Uh-oh. She's getting closer.

"hehh hehhh Hehh HEhh HEEHH HEHHHE HEHHE HEHHH..."

Good Lord! She's sitting beside the head of my bed, panting in my face!

"GO AWAY."

She curls up beside the bed and sighs. Good, I think. Now back to my nap.

And then she gets up. Click click click across the floor. Lies down. Ker-plunk. Pants. Gets up. Click click click. Jumps on the bed, off the bed, pants at my head, pants by the door. This goes on for almost an hour...until I jump out of bed and yell at the top of my lungs.

"FFFF*****CCCCKKKKK!!! ALL I WANTED WAS A STUPID NAP!!!!"

Then I felt like an idiot.

So I took the dog for a walk. She didn't poop until we got back 40 minutes later. Then the b*tch came in and fell asleep.

Now she's back up panting and I'm losing my mind. I don't know what's up with her, but if I lose one more night of sleep, I will turn into a gnome. An ugly, mean little gnome.